I guess it’s true what they say that you never expect it.
I didn’t expect the new year to start this way. Heck, I never even thought I’d find myself in this position. Everything is all so foreign and new to me. And as much as I’d like to believe that I am a robot when it comes to these things, the last few weeks have proven that I might be capable of human emotion.
I’ve placed myself in a predicament where I know I am able to hurt someone, or rather make things difficult. It wasn’t a sole decision what I am doing. It does take two to tango. These are not the rules I play along with. But what are the rules I’ve chosen to live by with? I have broken my rules of engagement late last year, got me a difficult spot that I would forever bear.
That Sunday, in that god forsaken island, I made a decision I would live by. And as much as I want to say it hasn’t changed me, it has changed a lot of things in my life. I had to give up a job I actually enjoyed, an island that I held so dearly and a friend I thought I would trust forever.
Things have changed. I am definitely on a new chapter and I haven’t quite figured if all these changes are making me into a better human being.
I enjoy my happy bubble. I barely remember the time I woke up and just felt like things have fallen into place. I was happy, I am happy. Though I know this happy bubble would burst and explode on my face, I’m venturing on.
I told myself that I would allow myself to let these things take me, to let it happen, to enjoy and to put my walls down… a bit. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be the person I am not used to, to show that other side of me - that little girl in me.
I am not scared of failing. I am not afraid to fall flat on my face. I am hopeful. I hope that I would have the capacity to handle it well. I am not afraid of a few broken appendages. I know how to build myself back. I know how to pick up the pieces and fix it. I know, I have done so many times before. What I am scared of is the unknown, the uncertainty and the idea that this might not break as easily as I’ve thought it would.
I am venturing on unfamiliar waters, threading on a river I’ve never ventured before. I do not know how to deal with instances pertaining to this situation. I take it one step at a time, trying not to lose myself. I’ve already allowed myself to jump in, with the entirety of me. The least I can do to myself is be honest.
I am not as fearful. He does not consume me like all the others have. He does however, never cease to surprise and amaze me everyday we’ve spent together. My heart does not race when I see him nor when he crosses my mind. He doesn’t fill my thoughts, but I do once in awhile find myself thinking of him… mostly his penis though. and at times, I find myself thinking of how he has almost converted me into a cuddler.
I’m trying my best to make this all make sense in my head. I’m also trying my best not to let my mind get the best of me. I might have considered all possible permutation of this situation. I think I’m freaking out with the idea that things are going well.
Here I am, semi-complaining with nothing to complain about. This thing might be a good thing. Regardless of feelings, I am getting laid. At the very end of my being… is that what counts?